Janes Comedic Parody Chronicles
by nyanyanya22
Summary: What happens when you take Jane, bash her in the head, and give her a SpongeBob script? Jane's Comedic Chronicles of course. FORMERLLY KNOWN AS DARIABOB JANEPANTS, CHANGED BECAUSE I HAVE BIGGER PLANS.
1. No Brainy Janeys Allowed

**This is my first attempt at a Daria fic, and due in part to the overabundance of darker, more angsty themes in the fandom,**

 **I decided to take things in a lighter direction. Granted, mixing Daria and Spongebob MIGHT be Grade A blasphemy from**

 **both ends, but whats the worst that could happen?(Don't answer that) So i decided to take the Daria characters, and**

 **put them into scenarios taken(moreso based, I made enough changes for it to fit) from SpongeBob, who knows, maybe**

 **I'll make more, maybe I won't, we shall see. This one is based on No Weenies allowed.**

 **So, yeah. Anyway, let's get this stupid story I came up with overwith.**

* * *

 _ **No Brainy Janeys Allowed: A DariaBob JanePants Fic.**_

"So, this is the place that drove The Zon out of business."

Daria and Jane walked towards the entrance of the new club, The Salted Wound. The Zon had fallen on hard times,  
and combined with this new club, and The Zons chronic legal troubles, it was simply too much for that ol place.

"The salted wound, huh. Sounds like my kind of place. Heard Trent got a gig here."Jane said as she threw a  
paper airplane, failing to note that it would fly towards the line of people, hitting someone in the face.  
"OUCH. WHO THREW A PAPER AIRPLANE AT ME." A large muscular guy turned around.

"Well Jane, you're on you're on with this one." Daria said, as Jane scooted backwards, hiding behind Darias  
coat. After the guy left(presumably to punch someone else) Jane came back out.

The door was guarded by a muscular bouncer, with tatoos on his chest. He stood there, the only thing between  
Jane and this club. And a thought began a ticking inside Janes little head.

'Why, if this club can run The Zon out of buisness, and if Trent can get in, then so can I! Im Jane Lane!'

And so, with this thought in her head, Jane walked forward. The bouncer spoke.

"Welcome to The Salted Wound, how tough are you?"

"Since when was toughness a legally binding term?" Jane said, a blank look on her face.

"Ever since the boss told me to stop checking ages when people came in?" Daria and Jane looked at each other.

"Isn't that illegal, Mr...?"

"Reginald, call me Reg, and, ah, uh, the uh...the thing about that is...uhhh...ho how HOW TOUGH ARE YOU?"

Daria and Jane glanced at one another, shrugged, and Jane stepped back to allow Daria to approach.

"How tough arrrrrr...you?" Reg started, but was cut off as Daria stared at him. It was a cold, unfeeling  
stare, and the longer you looked at it, the more you could see, nothing but death, misery, emptyness, the fires  
of hell a glowing, burning brighter and brighter, as Daria leaned in closer, and closer, until...

"Ah, alright miss, you can go in, welcome." Reg shivered slightly as she walked by, turned to him, and said..

"Good. A wise choice." And she walked in without another word.  
Then Jane stepped up. And stared.

Nothing happened.

"Yeah, that ain't gonna work this time, your stare dosen't have that...thing, to it."

Jane disagreed. "OH COME ON, JUST LET ME IN, PLEASE!" Jane was getting awfully antsy.

"Hmm...can you open this jar of pickles?"

"YOU BET I CAN!" Jane shouted, as she tried to open it.

Key word is tried. She tried alright, but she couldn't get it.

"Just...uggggh, just give me minute. Uhh, maybe I could try throwing this garden rock...maybe, I could-"

"Uhh, yeah, I think you geek types are better suited to go over there." he pointed across the street, towards..  
"PIZZA FOREST?! ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD BE IN PIZZA FRICKING FOREST?! But he cut Jane off "Um, no. I was  
actually pointing over there." and he redirected her to where he was pointing. "FUZZY WUZZY PIZZA FOREST!  
ARE YOU FRICKING SHITTING ME!"

"So unless you think you can fight me..."

* * *

 **CUT TO PIZZA FOREST.** Jane is miserable, sitting across from Ted and some chubby nerd girl he was with.

"Well, hows your collection coming."

"I managed to get the original, huh huh, print."

"Sweet, you know, back in 1989, they-"

"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS, IM GONNA THINK OF A PLAN, MARK MY WORDS, AND I WON'T SLEEP TIL I DO!" Jane said,  
running out the door.

"You can't hide from yourself forever Jane! Accept your inner geek!" Shouted Ted, as Jane ran off screaming  
into the night.

"Hey Jane, I came over to watch Sick Sad World and ohhhhh... what the hell are you doing?"

Jane was staring at her computer, sucking back a jumbo mug of coffee, and chowing down on her second box of  
Pizza, her eyes were purple and strained, her stomach pooched out, and her arms were shaking. A bunch of tabs  
were open, The Salted Wounds website, a page on not being a geek, a page on toughness, Andreas blog, etc."

"Jane, what drugs did you take and why?" Asked Daria as Jane turned around.

"I WILL GET INTO THE SALTED WOUND OR DIE TRYING!" Jane said, as she went to pull on her coat.

"The latter option, then? Really Jane, I think you may have gotten a wee bit obsessed, and by a wee bit, I m-"

But Jane has already ran out the door, cackling madly.

"So she finally lost it...I must be trying too hard."

* * *

It was late at night in lawndale, Reginald was working the late shift, when all of a sudden...

"REGINALD, I DEMAND ENTRANCE TO YOUR CLUB! IF I CAN'T GO TO THE ZON, I'M GOING TO THIS BLOODY CLUB."

"Sorrrry Jane Lame, but unless you can give me a good reason to let you in..."

"Rej, dis gurl be given yaz trooble?" One of the other bouncers had came by, a scottish bloke,who had heard the  
commotion.

"Yeah she is reeeally a...hey where did she go?" They turned to see Jane desperatly trying to get out of the  
grasp of another bouncer, a large woman with stubble. She had almost made it through the door, and she fought  
on.

"Let go of me or I swear I'll yell rape so loudly the-"

"You know I'm a woman, right?" asked the bouncer, with a deep voice, sounding like she had heard it all before,  
as she lifted Jane upwards.

"Hey, Lesbian rape is a thing too ya know, and I should know, considering I- AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...!  
Jane screamed as she went rolling down the nearby hill. The scruffy lady seemed displeased.

"Ugh, amateurs. Reg you couldn't stop a runaway toddler if you tried."

"Let me guess, you couldn't get in?" Teds nerd friend(who Jane had learned was named Dani) asked Jane, though  
the answer was pretty obvious, she was looking down and shoving pizza in her face haphazardly.

"I will get it, they can't keep me out, I'm Jane Lane, I will get in, they can't ke ke keep me out, I'm-"

"Jane? You don't sound so good, you need to quit while your ahead."

"Yeah, and not dead." Ted added, chuckling in a nassally way.

"I can't believe It didn't work, I spent all night working on ideas, thinking of plan after plan after..."

"Yeah, you definitly need to quit this Jane. Its flat out unhealthy. Look at your eyes, they show signs of  
severe sleep deprevation" Ted stated, as Dani smirked. " Look on the brightside Jane, with you spending your  
days researching topics, combined with your recent weight gain, you'll be a shoe in to join our little group!"

"IM NOT LIKE THAT, I...wait, who told you I gained weight I didn't gain weight, I'm a runner!"

"She did." Dani said, pointing to the booth behind her, where Daria was sitting, Mona Lisa smile on her face.

"The only running you've done this week is running the pizza guy rampant. That, and the internet bill."

"Daria, I trusted you, and here you are betraying me, selling out my heart mind and soul to the highest  
bidder! I'll have to kill you for this, you know?"

"Now thats the Jane I know...and you know I can't resist making you suffer, its far too much fun, see  
the immense pleasure pouring off my face." Her expresion remained blank. "I was worried the fat insomniac had  
taken over your soul for good."

"I'm not fat, and I'm not an insomniac, I'm just taking some time off from sleeping, thats all."

Ted spoke first. "You need sleep Jane. Rem sleep is crucial to neurological function. Without it, you're  
neurological capacity, capibility, and grasp on reality will slip until you are nothing more then a caffine  
zombie. Quite similar to those two characters Daria described to me in one of our prior conversations, Begriss  
and Bunkbed, if I recall."

"It's Beavis and Butthead. Their mother was high at the time." Daria added monotonely.

Then, Dani spoke "Sure, maybe your not fat yeeeet. But you're getting nice and portly Jane, a few more weeks  
of pigging out like this, and soon one day you'll wake up with a double chin, thick thighs, a spare tire and  
a bubble butt to boot. Then you'll just be BEGGING to join our little possee, and you'll spend the rest of your  
life eating pizza and playing DnD with us, just sitting around on your fat butt all day indoors. Teeheehee, I  
can't wait." Dani said with a smirk.

"You, are a sick sad little woman, and you have my pity." Jane said, getting a smile of approval from Daria.

"Glad to see the Trent genes haven't fully assimilated you." Daria said,knowing it was gonna tick Jane off.

"Whats that supposed to mean."

"Come on Jane, the lack of sleep, you're new nap routine, the pudge, the caffine, it's all very clear to be  
your slowly becoming Trent 2.0, those lane genes can't be repressed forever Jane. You can't change who you  
are."

"Wow, you really do like making me suffer." Then, a light bulb went off in Janes head. a "Wait...changing who  
I am, THATS IT!" Jane shouted, as she once more ran off into the night. Daria spoke first.

"I guess the fashionnazis brainwashing finally kicked in and shes getting that nosejob?" Daria said, smirking.

"I think she's going to the rainbow wig store across the street, either that or the art store." Suddenly,  
Dani had a thought. "Say...are you and Jane...you know...together?"

Daria thought for a moment.

"That is not my recollection."

* * *

Reg was at the club that night, once again working the same hard shifts(damn bills) when someone approached.

"Welcome to The Salted Wound." Reg said, mostly out of habit, when he looked closer at the visitor. "Wait..."

"Hows it shaking my man?" The young woman asked, she looked like Jane Lane, except in all black, with wilder  
and longer hair, with a bit more brown in it.

"I know it's you Jane."

"Hmm, think you've mistaken me for someone else, I'm one Janet V McCoppin, just blew into town, heard this  
club was so tough it scared away the competition." She said, pointing to The Zon. "I wanted to, check it out."

"Yeah Jane you ain't fooling me with that disguise." And with that, Reg leaned in and tried to rip off the  
wig. It didn't come off.

"Huh?"

Suddenly someone else walked in, who looked exactly like Jane Lane, but with face paint on, and a reversed  
shirt and pant color.

"Hey, what is of going onz?" Jane said, using a poor russian accent."I want to enter youringz your of club. I  
am knowning as da Janesky Lanesky. Yeah."

Reg looked back at Janet, tried to fix her hair, and then awkwardly stepped back. "Sorry about that, you can go  
in Janet." Reg looked at her sheepishly, and she walked in, giving him a death glare back.

"As for you, JANE-SKI..." Reg picked her up, and tossed her over the hill once more.

"I'LL BE BAAAAAAAAAACK!"

Regs scottish friend appeared "Yee getting da hand of dis Reg."

"Nice new hat Anguiss."

* * *

"Ugh, not again." Jane moaned, rubbing her sore head as she got back on her feet, her atrophied muscles aching.  
Two nearby guys seemed upset by her arrival. Two...familar guys.

"Hey, heh heh, this is our spot to get chicks, heh heh."

"Shut up Beavis...heh huh...that is a chick."

"Hey...heh heh, you wanna, like, score with us?"

Jane ran off into the night faster then you could say "Holy Cornholio"

"This sucks, huhuh, we were supposed to score with diarrhea, not this, huh huh, lesbian chick. I want diarrhea"

"Shut up Beavis, huh uh, shes mine."

* * *

"Okay Jane, the first step is admitting you have a problem." Ted asked, as Jane walked in once more.

"I'm gonna get in, I'm gonna get in, if it's the last thing I do...I will...I will." Daria jumped in.

"Okay, Lane look, I don't like to get all emotional, but you're seriously starting to concern me... all of  
this, for what? To get into some cheap nightclub? Jane, It's not worth it, just...wait...please dont tell  
me you used lead paint?"

Janes blood ran cold. "Uhhh...I...don't...know. I just kinda grabbed at paint and poured in on."

"I'm just gonna assume that either everything is fine, or you'll be dead in a week." Daria replied.

Ted and Dani seemed more concerned. "Lead is a deadly neurotoxin, it will ruin your brain!" Ted spoke as  
Dani followed "Not to mention your appetite, lead is no good."

"Guys, Gals, emotionless husks, don't worry, I'm fiiiinnnnne, the only thing is wrrroooong is that I can't  
get into that cluuuuubb. I waaaaaannt in. I wwwaaaant in in innnnn!" Jane started whining again as Daria spoke.

"Ok, seriously Jane, just stop this madness, you haven't slept in days, and you're starting to sound like  
Tiffany."

This, was the final straw.

"Thats It, I give up, I'm beating up the next guy I see!" Jane said, storming out, as Daria, a slight feeling  
of empathy making its way up, chased after her.

"Jane, Jane, no need to go kill yourself, The school year hasn't even started yet." Daria said, as Janes  
expression suddenly changed, a wide grinchy grin taking over her face. "Jane? Whatever idea has entered your  
head, I have a feeling it wil-"

"DARIA, FOLLOW ME! QUICKLY!"

* * *

"So, whats your grand plan exactly?" Daria asked, concerned about the ammount of emotion on Janes face.

"Oh Daria, It's so simple...I...HEY REG, LOOK OVER HERE! ITS ME, JANE! IM ABOUT TO KICK SOME ASS!"

Daria's face went pale "Uhh...Jane, please tell me your referring to someone else..."

"Come on Daria, help a girl out, It'll be eeeeeeaaasy. Uhh...I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS MISS NERD GIRL. HA."  
Reg looked over towards Jane.  
"Jane, no need for senseless fisticuffs, we should just..." But she was cutoff. "I SAID,  
YOUR GOING DOWN, YA TIMID GEEK!"

Something snapped.

"Ti...Timid?" Daria's eye was twitching, and even in her sleep deprived state, Jane was concerned.

"Daria?"

"NOBODY CALLS ME TIMID!" Daria screamed, pulling a knife out of her pocket and charging at jane...  
...failing to notice the large garden rock Jane had left behind prior, tripping over it, and falling over a  
nearby ledge, rolling down a hill towards a small neighborhood.

"ACH, OOO, UGH, ACK, MY LEG, MY EYES, MY FACE, OUCH, OOCH, AHH...ugh...where am I?"

Reg walked up to Jane, who was staring at Daria in shock and awe. "Wow...you really messed up that timid  
chick, didn't you?"

"I...I did?" Jane said, still in a state of shock, concerned for her friends health(in more ways then one)

"I can't believe I'm saying this...but...come on in. Welcome to The Salted Wound!"

"Wait...I made it...I MADE IT! WOOHOO, YEAH MOFOS, JANE IS IN. YEAH!" Jane screamed, all concern for  
Daria vanishing as her multiday quest reached its zenith. Jane sprinted in the door, seeing all the booze, and  
the lights, and the smoke, and, and...failing to see the wet floor sign.

* * *

When Jane came to, all she could see was a white roof. She was in an ambulance.

"Ugh, what happened?"

"You appear to have taken quite a fall. According to one Andrea you slipped on a wet floor and hit your head  
preeettty hard. Are you feeling okay?"

"Ugh...my head...hahah...least I showed those geeks...I'm Jane...Lane...ugh..."

"Geeks, huh? Hmm... :) ..well, since your technically a minor, and we reeeaaally should get you to a  
hospital quickly, we'll be taking you to the closest hospital availible, riiiight over there."

Jane looked out the window, her arms weak.

"FUZZY WUZZY CHILDRENS HOSPITAL FOR FUZZY WUZZY WITTLE KIDS?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	2. Janes Procrastination

**THE LONG AWAITED SEQUEL TO "No Brainy Janeys Allowed" IS HERE! The next fic in the DariaBob JanePants saga(I will change the name later, when I do other parodys or more original stuff)**  
 **I was unsure which Spongebob episode to use as a base at first(I considered Texas) But I decided to go with this one, Procrastination.**  
 **BTW, If you haven't watched "Procrastination" or "No Weenies Allowed" go do that, it will improve the experience. Reply if you like it. Ok? Good, replys and criticism keep this gravy train a rolling. Anyway, let's get to the story.**

* * *

 **Jane's Procrastination:**

It was a fine day at Laaawndale High, well, maybe not fine. The weather was pretty shite.

That's not the point. The point is Daria and Jane were walking and Daria was speaking to Jane about the week.

"The week was more hellish then usual without you helping me maintain my will to live Jane."

Jane Replied "Trust me, I had my own brand of hell this past week amiga."

"Concussion recovery that bad? You do look a bit thicker"

"Nah, the concussion wasn't too bad once I could sleep, that entire hospital was a happy hell hole of joy and  
colorful pleasentness. I think I dropped a dozen IQ points when I was there. When I close my eyes all I can  
see is pink."

"Thats because of light."

"Oh...right. So, what fresh hell did life dump onto you?"

"Well, the loss of your business cut the Pizza Kings profit by 15%, Ms Barch blamed "evil muscle men" at  
the club for your injury, O'Neil balled his eyes out, and I spent as much time as possible in my room. Sadly  
my supply of pizza ran out, so I was forced to make a deal with the devil for some more. One of my better deals"

"Ehh, sounds about right. I assume you found a way to keep your soul, that is, if you had one to start with."

"I confess, I do indeed have a soul. My shame is truly immense. Thankfully, I don't lose my soul as long as I  
don't fi-"

"Good for you, amiga. Anyway, what's your plan for that assignment, "800 words about happiness?"

"Attempt to figuire out what this 'happiness' you speak of is. It is sadly not in my vast vocabulary."

Jane laughed "You always know how to make me smile amiga. Truly it is a devious art."

The two of them walked into Thee Morgendorffer Residence. The main room appeared to be empty. Daria spoke,  
"My parental units aren't currently home, and so long as we don't utilize the telephone Quinn should stay out  
of our hair. I've got something for you, consider it not a gift, but a bribe to not go insane from your pink  
overexposure at the hospital. Help yourself to some food that isn't sterilized."

Daria left the room to get the 'gift', as Jane dug through the Fridge.

"Lasagna, lasagna, raw lasagna, green lasagna, pink lasagna, lasagna and meatballs, soda, OJ, purple stuff,  
sunny deight, magic 8 ball, gremlin, green pizza, eh, not that hungry, pizza crust, Pizza, hey Pizza! Yes!"

Jane pulled out the Pizza.

"Hmmm, a piece of paper that says "DO NOT TOUCH" and another that says-Ah what the hell I'm eating it anyway."

NOMNOMNOM. UUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPP.

"Hmm...wonder if she has any icecream in here."

Just then, Daria walked back into the room, carrying some paint.

"Here you go, thought you might want to make up for lost time. Don't worry, none of them are pink. Wouldn't  
want to trigger any flashbacks of the Big Scary Pink Hospital, now would we?"

Jane smirked. "Thanks me amiga, knew I could trust you. I should probably get back to me casa, before Trent  
burns the house down and sleeps through it."

Daria gave a smile"And I should probably stop disrespecting the colour pink before Pope Sandi orders a crusade."

* * *

Jane walked into Casa de Lane, passing trent.

"Sleeping as usual I see."

She then walked up to her desk.

"Okay, time to start writing." She stared at the paper. Staring. Nothing happened. "I said, It's time to write."

Nothing.

"Come on brain, this is what I pay you for...What do you mean I don't pay you? Hey, don't use that  
language with me brain. I know where we keep the alcohol, I can nuke you to dust anytime."

Trent walked into the room. "Hey Janey, do you know where theeeeee..."

"YOU HERE THAT BRAIN? I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD, I CAN BRING YOU OUT OF IT."

Trent blinked, and turned around, walking right out of the room.

"Ok fine brain you win, I'll try to get more sleep, but...WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M FAT? I SWEAR BRAIN I'M GONNA-"

* * *

"I HAVE A CAN OF PAINT AND I'M NOT AFRAID TOO...wait...what time is it? Holy shit 5-o-Clock, I need to  
start writing. Hmmmmm... Maybe a quick run would give me some ideas. Yeah, a run."

Jane walked up to the door, opening it when...

"Hey, hehehe, hey artsy chick, ya wanna like, hehe, score with us?"

Jane slammed the door faster then you could say "T.P. for my bunghole".

SLAM.

"Shut up Beavis, you like, scared her off."

"No, hehe, maybe we should just, like, find Diarrhea, I mean, hehe, she's like, cool."

Jane walked back towards her desk with a twenty yard stare. "Okay, maybe now's not a good time to run. I need  
to write. Ok, focus, must write words, must start writing, must-"

"Hey Janey."

Or that could work. "Hey Trent, any interesting dreams? Anything new happening, spare no detail no matter how  
long and tedious."

Trent smirked a devious smirk, he knew what Jane was doing, and he was gonna have a little fun.

"Well, I DID have this dream where you met Squidward Tentacles, and went to his bedroom, and then you-"

"Nope Nope Nope, land of 10000 nopes, I'll stop you right there Trent, you look tired, go to sleep, rest!" she  
shouted, as she practically pushed Trent out of her room.

"Fine, but you should reallllly clear you internet history Janey-"

"I SAID GO TO SLEEP TRENT!"

Trent followed orders, he had had his fun. "BTW, Daria dropped by while you were threatening to show your brain  
nothing but Vin Diesel movies for a week. She made a joke about the asylum looking for you, then told me to  
give you this Ultra Cola, said your brain needed the boost. I would have told you earlier, but I fell asleep."

As Trent walked away, Jane thought to herself.

'I should really figuire out how to clear that before Daria finds anything blackmail worthy.'

* * *

"And, cleared. Whew, crisis averted. That only took me... 9 O CLOCK? Shit shit shit, got to work, got to  
work."

And with that, Jane started to work.

"Ok, lets see, let's just start with 'I', plenty I can put over that. I...wait, this is the big start, the epic  
opening, I need to give it a little pizzazz. Hehe, pizzazz. Maybe just a slight italic look, or some-"

* * *

1 HOUR LATER.

* * *

"And done. Mission accompished."

She had indeed done it. She had drawn perhaps the most fancy letter 'I' anyone had ever seen. All sorts of  
fancy stylizations and such. Just the letter I, though, nothing less, nothing more.

"Break Time! Whoo boy all that work tired me out, I deserve a break. Hmm...maybe I can Daria, see what she's  
up to."

Jane went to dial the phone, Darias number was practically muscle memory.

"I'm sorry, but the number cannot be completed as..."

"GODDAMN IT. Stupid phone lines. Hmm...guess I could call Jodie." Jane pondered the thought, and reached for  
the buttons once more."

BEEP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BOP.

"Hello, this is Jodie, why the hell are you calling me at this hour?"

"Hey Jodie, this is Jane Lane, how are you doooooiiing?"

Unseen to Jane, Jodie slapped her hand her face.

"Jane, we both know your just wasting time so you don't have to write your essay."

Jane blinked, then got pissed. "WHAT? BUT, BU, WHASH, THA, THAT IS NOT TRUE. I CALLED TO HAVE A INTERESTING  
CONVERSATION!"

"Well I'm listening."

"Uhhh...sorry jodie, But, I'm driving thro- unnel, you-reaking up, signal-ad, got- o!" SLAM.

Jodie blinked. " She's never finishing that essay." and then she went back to sleep.

* * *

"Darn Jodie, should have known I couldn't trust her. Heh, probably in league with Li. Hmm, wonder if these  
pretzels are still edible?" Jane wondered, as she tried munching on one.

CRACK.

"Bleh, COUGH COUGH, oh my god that's hard as rock, NEED, WATER, AGHH!" Jane screamed in faux-drama.

Jane promptly ran to the sink, stuck her head under the tap, and turned it on. Nothing happened.

"Oh right...forgot we didn't pay that bill yet."

Just then, Trent walked in.

"Little overly dramatic Janey?" asked Trent, leaning in the door.

"What do you mean over dramatic?" Jane said, in full denial mode. "Have you been talking to that  
panic sure made me hungry though. Maybe I should have some sort of snack, Trent?"

"I can see where this is going. I'm hitting the hay Janey. Goodnight." Trent said as Jane walked into the  
kitchen. "Let's see, pizza, pizza, where is my pizza?" Jane mumbled as she looked for where she had left her  
Microwave pizza, she still had some deep dish pizza left over from what Daria had nick-named 'The Salted Wound  
Shenanigans' or as Jane called it 'Some stupid muscle jerk keeping me out of the club'. Just then, she found  
her pizza, in the top shelf inbetween a holiday mug(for columbus day, no less) and some Thal-Rat.

"The Pizza has been obtained. Next stop, drink city."

Jane peeked her head inside the fridge, trying to avert her attention from the jungle of Fungi and Bacterium  
growing inside, the less one thinks about the horrifc beasts lurking amomgst their blue furry food, the better.

"Jackpot." she said, grabbing the soda Daria had given her, and some ice(when it was restocked, the world may  
never know) as she walked to the microwave, putting in her pizza, and taking a swig of soda. As she waited  
for the pizza to finish, she heard the doorbell ring.

"Hmm, wonder who could be on the borders of Casa de lane? Napoleon? Hitler? Kurt Cobain?" Jane wondered, as  
she walked up to the door. It was the mailman, coming to deliver something.

"Hello?" Jane asked the mailman, as he reached into his bag and pulled out a package.

"Package for Ms. Lane"

"Thanks, I guess...Hey It's from Penny!" She said.

"Do your Essay." Janes blood ran cold.

"Wha...what did you say?"

The Mailman responded "I said 'what did you say' Ms. Lane?"

Jane breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh uh, nothing. tha thank you." Jane replied, walking inside and closing the  
door.

"I really need to get more sleep..." Jane mumbled to herself. "Well, let's see what Penny sent me."

* * *

She sat the box on the table, plopped her butt onto the couch, and started opening the box, when suddenly the  
TV turned on, startling Jane. She turned over, she had just sat on the remote. "Whew." and Jane got back to  
work, when suddenly the TV changed, as did It's topic.

"And in other news, local artist Jane Lane, has only a few hours left to complete her essay, yet she continues  
to goof off." Suddenly, the news person leaned out of the TV, and grabbed Jane by the shoulders, shaking her.

"WHEN WILL SHE LEARN!" He said, shaking Jane around, until she snapped out of it and kicked in the TV.

'Breathing Deeply' "Wha...What the fuck..." Jane said, when suddenly she heard a voice. It was her couch.

"Hey Jaaaaaaaaanne, come on, take a seat, put up your feet and reelllaaaaax..." Jane stepped back, a look of  
horror on her face. "What the fuck what the fuck WHAT THE FUCK!" Jane stammered, stuttering in fear.

DING. DONG. DING. DONG.

"Oh no...MIDNIGHT!" Jane shouted, suddenly forgetting about the talking couch, and running back  
towards her desk. And run she did, for no matter how far she ran, the desk kept getting further and further  
away, Jane ran as fast as she could, feeling the wind in her face, yet the desk seemed so far, the flicking  
color of the walls dancing around her, the cacaphony of noise echoing around her. Finally, after what seemed  
like years of running, she approached the desk, it seemed so big, yet she had made it. Except.

"Passport please." A border crossing had suddenly appeared at the base of her desk.

"What the hell, since when do I need a passport to...what...ALISON? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm not Alison, I'm just assuming her form. I'm actually your sub-conscious. I'm here to help you out."

"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU OF ALL PEOPLE HELP ME"

"First off, rude, second, business or pleasure. Third, I'm going to help you learn about yourself."

"Yeah I don't have time for this, let me through or I'll kill you."

Faux-Alison blinked. "Welp, can't argue with that. Don't wanna get fired. Come on in, just lay off the drugs."

"I haven't taken any drugs!"

"Sure you haven't Jane, sure you haven't. Also, don't trust Dani, she wants you for your body!"

"IM NOT GAY!" And with that, Jane got past the border, and back to her desk.

"I made it...I can finally get back to work." But just as she grabbed her pencil, and started to write...

"Wait a second...WHERE ARE MY PANTS? AND MY SHIRT?" Jane suddenly asked, realizing she was in her  
underwear.

"Yoo-Hoo, down here!"

Jane looked down. There they were! Her clothes! They thought they could run off without her, eh? Well, she'd  
show them, they needed her! So she hopped off the desk, and chased after he clothes, as they fled down a  
hall of fickering colors.

"YOU GET BACK HERE, I NEED YOU, YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT ME CLOTHES! COME BACK HERE!"

"Freedom!" The clothes shouted, as they ran out the door, into the technocolor stars of the night.

"CLOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTHHHHES!" Jane screamed as she attempted to chase after them, but they flew into the  
sky and into the giant flicking color wheel in the sky. "No...I need you clothes...You're my identity."

SLAM. The door slammed shut, as Jane quickly doubled back to try to get back inside, but the door was locked  
tight.

Attempting to look in the window to see who closed the door, Jane leaned in. The clock on the wall began  
spinning rapidly, hours flying by, until the clock exploded into a ball of cinder and ash, setting the carpet  
on fire. As the debris cleared, an angry floating demonic face hung its in place. The face was Mr O'Neils.

"TIIIIIIIMMMMMMES UP JAAAAAANNNE LAAAAANNNE!" Jane began shaking violently, as she watched the fire on the  
floor grow legs, walk over to her desk, and pick up her essay.

"Only 799 more words to go! MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The beast laughed as it torched her essay  
, then it dissapated, turning into a fireball that quickly engulfed most of the room, including Trent, who  
despite all this was still sleeping soundly, mumbling to himself. "tuuuurn down the heat, grandma.." he said  
as he turned in his sleep, the fire completely overtaking him.

"NO, TRENT, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, TRENT, TRENT, TRRRREEEEEEEEENNNNNNNT! NO...nooo." Jane said, a  
tear rolling down her cheek. Suddenly, a voice appeared to her. "Jane."

She looked up, it was Daria, steppin oout of the fireball that was Janes room, completely covered in flames.  
Daria walked right up to the window, staring right into Janes soul, even her eyes looked as though they were  
on fire. She then spoke, with an echo.  
"Probably shouldn't have bought all that paint thinner, eh Jane, jane, jane, ja-ne, jaaaaane." A wall of fire  
completely engulfed the window, blocking any view inside. Jane grabbed her hair, tears rolling, and screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHH! WHAT HAVE I DONE? HELP! HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME! MY HOUSE IN ON FIRE! SOMEONE HELP,  
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MOM, DAD, PENNY, ANYONE, SOMEONE HELP ME, EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART!"

"Jane" Suddenly another voice cut her off. Jane looked up, it was Casa de Lane itself, speaking to her.  
Jane stepped back in complete terror.

"Jane. Why? Why did you set me on fire Jane. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST WRITE YOUR ESSAY! WHY?! STOP WASTING  
TIME! HEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!" The house screamed as it jumped out of its foundations, opened its  
door mouth, a wall of pure fire behind it, and began moving towards Jane.

Jane, snapped.

"AHHHHHHH! HELP HELP HELP ME, MY HOUSE IS GONNA EAT ME, AHAHAHEYYHRJHSHJVJDKGOIGOIEVFOUIES!"

Jane continued screaming as she ran down the endless hall of colors, her house tailing right behind her.

* * *

Daria watched intently as she stared, looking into her binoculors, watching as Jane ran down her street in  
nothing, but her bra and panties, screaming bloody murder, and babbling incoherently about her house coming  
to eat her.

Daria whispered to herself,"Looks like Operation Jane-Insane was a complete success." and it indeed had been.  
Her plan to give Jane soda she had personally spiked with LSD had been a complete success.

As Jane turned the corner, and several neighbors lights turned on, Daria gave a light mona lisa smile.

la la LA la la

* * *

"Ugggggggghh. What the hell happened last night?"

Jane opened her eyes, struggling to do so. She looked back and forth. "This isn't Casa da Lane..."

As Jane looked around, she suddenly realized. "Wait...wh...why am I in the middle of the street?"

"And...why...wait...WHY AM I IN MY UNDERWEAR!? EEP! AHHHGG!" Jane stuttered as she ran towards her house.

Charles was walking by, on his way to school. As Jane ran past him, he blinked, then he blinked again. Then he  
pulled out his phone and dialed a number.

"Yeah, Dr. Millipieds? It's Charles. I think I'm hallucinating bikini clad woman again. 7 tonight? See you then."

* * *

After managing to get her coat back on, Jane went to find her essay. And she did...buuuuuuuuuut...

"I...wow, never got past I. Wonder what time it i-9 O CLOCK? IM GONNA BE LATE!"

And Jane ran to get to school on time, running as fast as she could, failing to realize it was Saturday, as It  
had been a weekend assignment. She also failed to realize she had failed to put on pants.

THE END.


	3. The Janes Must Be Crazy!

**The third times the charm right? I mean, If the second was such a big hit(Grimace said it was the funniest fic**  
 **since 'Scarlett the Fairy goes on a Picnic' which is nearly 10 years old) why wouldn't this be? Think of all**  
 **the great threequels out there? Godfather 3...Shrek..3...The Italian Empire...uhhh...oh boi.**

 **But hey, this one isn't a SpongeBob parody, It's original(still my style of humor...I hope) and no, It's not**  
 **a parody of 'The Gods must be Crazy' Thats just a damn good title, and its funny AF.**

 **I was also a bit unsure where to set this, as it would stick my flag into the ground as to where I thought**  
 **Lawndale was. Up until very recently I was always a fan of the Baltimore interpretation, but after finding some**  
 **other evidence in an old Angst Guy post, I changed my mind. Where I chose should be pretty clear by the end.**

 **Anyway, let's get on with this beasty thing...pls be good...maybe not as good as Janes Procrastination, but**  
 **atleast better then No Brainy Janeys Allowed. Gulp...ok...let's get on with it...ugh.**

* * *

 **The Janes Must Be Crazy**

It was a dark night. Jane paced around, carefully thinking to herself.

So. This is where the great Jane Lane ends up? Not a fancy mansion, not starved, to be appreciated posthumously  
by millions, not even in a strip club in Miami. No, here, a lowly rehab centre in Elizabeth Town. A glorified  
mental hospital, just with less manics and more junkies. Hell, towmorrow she'd be in a real mental hospital.  
Oh Joy.

"Hmmph, I didn't even cut the chance to cut off my ear in an insane fit. I had the piercings to mark it and  
everything. Heh, guess this is karma for not writing that essay...ugh."

Jane thought about the green farm fields to the west, and the wandering buildings  
to the east. The sounds of the crickets would be ringing in the air by now.  
"How on satans earth did it come to this?"

And she thought back, to when It all began.

* * *

Jane bust through the door, screaming at the top of her lungs!  
"MR O'NEIL I GOT MY ESSAY DONE! YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE HELL I WENT THROUGH TO...say..where is everyone?"

Unfortunatly, she had failed to realize it was the weekend. Perhaps on a normal day, the lack of Darias cynical  
realism to greet her would have told her.

Or maybe just a quick look at her calender, for that matter. Calenders have a well known tendency to tell the  
date.

But unfortunatly, outdoors is not a calenders natural habitat, and thats where Jane had awoke.  
Neither are pants, for that matter, for she also lacked those.

Regardless of how she got there, here Jane Lane was, pantless, bloodshot eyes, raving mad. Just then, Mrs Li  
herself walked in, having heard the commotion.

"What the hell is...oh, Jaaane Laaane, I'd expect you to be the one bringing grave dishonor to Laaawndale  
High, but on a weekend is simply...Why aren't you wearing any pants exactly?"

"Well I..." Jane looked down, realizing her lack of pants. The combination of sleep deprevation over the past  
3 weeks, stress from both the prior night and recent hospital recent(not to mention the chaos that lead to that  
visit) made creating a snarky comeback impossible, leaving Janes Brain on autopilot.

"Crap...uh, I can explain. I was writing my essay, and then there was this package, and then the TV attacked  
me, and the walls melted and stole my pants and burned everything and then my house tried to kill me and-this  
isn't helping my case is it?"

Ms Li shook her head. Then, a smirk entered her face, as she looked behind her at the security camera. She  
then pulled out a walkie talkie, and spoke. "Yeah, its Li. Vlad, Hiro, I need you two here ASAP, we have a Code  
Orange Reddish clash X-9/2319 type B, we have a druggie in the premises, armed and dangerous, apprehend  
immediately."

By the time she said immediately, Jane's tired brain finally figuired out what was going on, and after a few  
seconds in shock bolted for the door.

Unfortunatly for Jane, the electric door lock triggered before she could get out. Clearly those fundraisers  
were put to work. "Why did I ever help them?" Jane yelped as she pounded on the door, stuck fast.

Jane was suddenly grabbed from behind, and before she could fight back another figuire grabbed her. She  
struggled, "LET ME GO", before being tazed, and quickly falling to the ground, dazed and confused, as the  
thugs dragged her off.

"Thanks Boys, please, if you would be so kind, please send this poor unfortunate girl to the rehab centre I  
have listed on the book in the back. It's a shame such dishonor has disgraced Laaawndale High, but I promise-"

"Yeah yeah we get the point lady, we'll do that." Vladislav complained as he moved Jane. Li was as corrupt as  
a soviet dictator. But, she did pay well, so it was best for him and Hiro to keep their mouths shut.

As they moved Jane into a nearby vehicle, Li walked into her office, pouring herself a glass of absinthe.  
She had connections all throughout the rehab centre, hell, even a spy in the nearby pizza place. Might be  
useful in this situation.  
Her connections would ensure Jane would be deemed unfit to rejoin society and heavily psychotic, and she'd  
be sent north to the mental hospital in Timber, where she would never threaten her operation again. And if,  
even if Jane somehow got out and was deemed sane(which she would make sure would never happen, she had hands  
in Timber) nobody would ever listen to an ex-mental patient about financial fraud. Simply ridiculous.  
Her laundering op was safe. Now, if only such a valid chance to dispose of the troublesome Miss Morgendorffer  
appeared. She had blown her past chance, she wouldn't do that again.

And with that, Angela finished her drink, and exited her office.

* * *

When Jane came to, she was in the back of a van. She quickly scooted to the back, only to find a hole where  
the emergency release was supposed to be.

"Sorry Red, Angela took those away months ago after skinny rolled down the highway. May as well just enjoy  
the ride." Vladislav stated with a touch of sorrow.

"Could be worse. She used to force us to threaten you lot, turns out its not really needed." Hiro added.

It took Jane a moment to process what he said. "So you're saying Miss Li is lying and manipulating people  
to essentially kidnap those who she has the opportunity to dispose of and ship them off under false pretenses?"

"Hey Vlad, we got a smart one this time!"

"Да,Да, indeed.."

The van went silent for several minutes. Then Jane spoke.

"So, how much Li pay you per person? I got to see how lucrative this market is."

That got everyone in the room to laugh, as they pulled into the facility, driving into a small backlot. A  
korean man stood there, waving them over.

"Ok boys I'll take it from here, tell Li I said hi." Jane responded "Tell her to go to hell."

"Sorry, bit of lip on this one." Vladislav apologized, though it felt forced.

"Don't worry, I'm SURE I can fix that." he said with a sick grin, that made Jane shudder in fear.

And with that, he disappeared into the building, leaving Vlad and Hiro standing there, thinking.

"I can't stand working for that dishonorable cunt Li. Vlad...I just...I'm not sure If I can do this."

"I know comrade, but the bitch has us by the balls and If she goes we all do."

"...I know that far too well Vlad...we never should have gotten in this situation."

"Да" Vlad responded, as he took a swig of vodka.

* * *

LATER THAT NIGHT

* * *

Jane was in her room, the grinning man had said the fun would come later. She didn't want to find out his  
definition of fun. Jane knew her rights, so the second a orderlie walked by she seized her moment.

"I demand my one phonecall. And by one phonecall, I mean as many as I please, as that is what I am allowed  
so long as I cooperate."

She stared for a moment. "This isn't a prison, miss."

"Well, thats a surprise, I could hardly tell. My rights apply either way."

"Ugh fine, but make it quick."

A few minutes later, Jane called the only person she could think to call.

"Hello. You have reached the pit of disparity, also known as the morgen-" BBZZZZT. No answer. Drat.

"Goddamn it Daria, why musn't you answer when it matters most?" Jane thought for a moment who else she knew.

* * *

Trent was at home. Sleeping. Peacefully.

RING RING RING.

"WHA NO OFFICER I SWEAR SHE WAS EIGH...what day is it? Did Janey finish her essay? I need coffee"

RINGRINGRING

"Oh right, the phone. Keep your shirt on I'm coming."

RINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRINGRING.

Trent finally reached the phone.

"Hello?"

"TRENT, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME, SOMEBODY DRUGGED AND MS LI WANTED ME OUT OF HER HAIR SO SHE KIDNAPPED ME AND SENT  
ME TO A REHAB PRISON IN-" BZZT.

BOOP. BOOP. BOOP. The call ended prematurely.

Trent stood there for a moment, frozen in shock. Then he threw the phone!

"I'LL KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH!"

* * *

The orderlie had unplugged the phone. "Sorry Miss, but If your using the phone I can't have you saying stuff  
like that, the boss would kill me."

Jane sighed "Normally I'd retort wittily, but I get the impression I'm on thin ice as is."

The woman noded, and handed Jane the phone back. Jane was going to have to take a serious approach.

* * *

Jodie was busy studying when her brickcell ran. She quickly picked it up.

"Hello, you've reached the Landon residence. This is Jodie Landon speaking."

"Jodie, this is Jane Lane, I need your help."

Jodie sighed "Jane, if you think I'm gonna help you cheat on your essay, you-"

"I've been incarcerated."

Jodies jaw dropped. "Wait WHAT!?"

Jane, filled with determination, continued undeterred. "Someone drugged me last night, and I was indecently  
exposed. Ms Li sent me to a rehabilitation facility. I need good legal advice, and you're the most legally  
sound person I know."

Jodie was in total shock, but she managed to collect herself. "Look...I don't know the exact circumstances,  
but just try to keep your story straight, defend your rights, and please, Jane, I know this might be hard, but  
avoid snark if you can, you don't want anyone judging you in this kind of situation, appearance matters."

"Amen" and Jane hung up. "I just need to make one more call."

BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP BOP BOO BEEP

"Hello this is Pizza King, where we serve you, how may I help you."

"Is Daria there?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to-"

"This is Jane Lane speaking, I am not only Darias friend, But I account for 14% of your annual income. It would  
be a shame to lose all that profit, wouldn't it?"

The man on the other end sighed.

"She's not here Miss Lane."

"Goddamn it." 'Where the hell was Daria then? She didn't exactly wander much...guess I have to improvise', Jane  
thought to herself as she planned her response.

"Is there a Fat goth girl present?"

"No, nobody fitting that description."

'Damn, well it was a longshot.' Jane thought long and hard at her options. There was one other person...Jane  
bit her pride.

"Do you...huh, Is there a clean looking blonde kid wearing glasses, he may or may not be sitting next to a  
fat girl with glasses."

"Uhh, yes I see? Do you want to speak to him."

Jane thought long and hard about that one.

* * *

Ted and Dani were eating Pizza. Pizza forest had been shutdown after an accident involving faulty locks on a  
animatronic hybrid suit, so they ate at Pizza King. A worker walked over.

"Phone call." Ted grabbed the phone, curious who could be calling him here.

"Ted, I can't talk long. It's me, Jane, the artist girl, I kept trying to get into that club a few weeks ago,  
remember?"

"Yeah I remember, I heard you ended up in a hospital, you doing ok?" But Jane ended that thought quickly.

"Yeah, I'm fine, except I've been locked up for something I didn't do. If you can do anything, please do, your  
good with computers, right? Get me a damn good lawyer. And tell Daria whats going on, I can't get a hold of her.  
Thanks." And with that, Jane hung up for the last time, leaving Ted standing there, Shell shocked. Dani noticed  
his odd behavior and took the chance to comment.

"Ted, I haven't seen your jaw drop that much since that one Risk game, who was it, your giiiiiirrrrlfriend?"  
she teased mockingly, but Ted remained still.

"Remember that artist girl, Darias friend, she wanted to get into the salted wound?"

Dani smirked. "I haven't stopped thinking about her...why?"

"She's been arrested for something she didn't do...I think.."

Now it was Danis turn to be shell shocked.

"THEY DID WHAT?!"

* * *

"Thanks for the phone, I guess."

The orderlie nodded. "I just hope my boss dosen't kill me, don't say anything, okay."

"My lips are sealed."

And with that, she walked off, and Jane was alone, in the small cell like room, with nothing but the cold  
company of her dark, cynical, thoughts.

'What I'd kill for some pizza. Hmmph, in this hellhole they might take that as a threat of violence.'

'I really shouldn't be talking to myself in my head. I may go crazy. Eh, could be fun.'

* * *

MEANWHILE

* * *

Angela Li was in her office, sorting through the usual mountain of paper work, when the door burst open.

It was Trent Lane, walking towards her rapidly with a death glare in his eyes, and a baseball bat in his hands.  
Well now, what was she to do now?  
Li quickly pulled a shotgun out from under her desk, cocking it loudly. Trent stopped rather quickly.

"This thing is fully loaded. I have a security team armed to kill, not to mention the hounds. Drop the bat and  
walk away." Trent, despite his rage, was wise enough to not argue with the mad woman with the gun.

"You son of a bitch, you drugged Jane just to get rid of her." Li laughed. Hard.

"I did no such thing. I simply helped the poor girl get the help she sooo desperatly needed, bringing glory to  
Laaawndale high. Now then, please leave the premises or I will be forced to shoot you in self defense."

"You're a real motherfucker, you know that?" Li pulled up her walkie talkie, but Trent was already out the door  
before she could call in her two heads of security.

"Hmmph, what a nuisance." And Li returned to her work like nothing happened.

Trent walked off, and began to formulate a plan.  
"Don't worry Janey. I'll get you out of there, one way or another."

* * *

DAY 2:

* * *

"Alright, we're just gonna do a little psychological profiling, nothing invasive."

Jane's face stayed firm, "I'm sure that's exactly what they told Sergeant Shaw."

"Oh, don't be like that Jane, you just need to have a little trust."

"Before or after I drink the kool-aid?"

"We'll just look at some pictures, ok?"

Jane smirked. "Oh my, getting to the pictures already? We haven't even gone out to di-" But Jane was cut off  
by the doctor "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BITCH BEFORE I SHUT YOU UP!"

Jane stopped talking after that, and for a moment, that horrible grin returned to his face. Then he resumed.

"Good. Now then, I want you to tell me what you see in this picture." He held up a picture of a smiley face.

"A yellow circle, with two black dots and a black curved line." The doctor pulled out another picture, this  
time of a knive. "And what is this?"

"A piece of stainless steel, carved in such a way it could be used as a cutting tool." Jane said with a smirk.  
She may not have been able to go full out with her snark(since she really didn't want to get institutionalized)  
but she was gonna be literal as hell if it meant annoying Doctor Frankenstein here.

"And this?" He said, holding up a caliedoscopic cacophony of colours. Jane didn't know quite what to say.  
"Uhh...a bunch of swirling of colours?"

The doctor smirked that horrible smirk for a moment, then spoke "You may leave now, Jane."

Jane did as she was told, allowing the doctor to jot down Janes results on a sheet.

The sheet was for an Ink blot test, however. It was never intended for the images he had shown. This was all  
according to plan.

"The patient displays severe signs of mental detachment, hallucinations and a perchant for violence. Recommend  
immediate transfer to the Timberhills Mental Hospital for brain chemistry adjustment and possible isolation."

The doctor grinned madly as he filed the report in. Angela always payed him well to dispose of threats.

* * *

DAY 3

* * *

'Dear Mental Diary, as the third day of my imprisonment goes on, I feel as though my very grip on reality is  
being slowly weakened, especially since I appear to be talking to myself, inside my own head, in my thoughts.

"Deep." I said outloud. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I tried to ask for a pizza, which didn't  
work quite as planned. I have stared at the ceiling so long, I swear it appears to be shifting, almost like  
its breathing. I need to get out of here before I start dancing with the pink elephants in lala land.'

"Daria, where are you. I could really use your help right now amiga."

* * *

MEANWHILE, AT THE MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE.

* * *

Daria was in her room, reading a book, when Quinn walked into the room.

"Like, Daaarria, that spiky haired guy with the greenshirt came by again. I can't keep telling him you're at a  
book convention, atleast without my pay."

"Don't worry Quinn. You'll all pay soon enough. Soon"

"Good, I could use some new shoes, Sandi says these are, like, so last week."

"Whatever."

"Jeez, Daria, you're acting even more souless then usual, lighten up a little."

"Yes, acting. I'll try."

"Ugh" And with that, Quinn left the room in persuit of new shows, allowing Daria to read the works of Shiro  
Ishii in peace.

* * *

DAY 4: SOMEWHERE IN LAWNDALE

* * *

Trent Lane awoke with a snap.

'What the hell happened last night?' he thought to himself. 'Well, I couldn't get to Li, Daria was gone, and  
Jesse still hadn't come back yet. I think I went to The Salted Wound, and...jeez, what the hell happened?

-FLASHBACK-  
Trent walked to The Salted Wound, feeling pretty shit about everything going on. A scottish man stood at the  
door.

"Welcome tae the saltit wound, hou touch are ye?"

"Oh, hey Anguiss, It's me Trent, remember?"

"Aye, A remember ye mate, ye feelin doun, ye leuk like shit."

"I know, just let me in."

"Okay then." And Anguiss let Trent in, as he moped his inside. Anguiss looked at him in concern.

"A hope the lad is doin better soon...he dosenae leuk guid."

And with that, Trent walked in.

"Give me the strongest vodka you have, and lots of it.

"Ohhkay then."

GULP GULP GULP BUUUURRRRP.

"More."

"Sir are you su-"

"MOAR!"

-PRESENT DAY-

"Ugggghhhh, I drank WAY too much last night."

Well, mystery solved, I got hammered last night.

Now to figure out where I am...and...and...WHO THE HELL IS THIS WOMAN NEXT TO ME?!

* * *

BACK IN ELIZABETHTOWN

* * *

Jane was at the door, trying to look as unbroken as possible, when she saw it.

"No way." It was Charles, walking down the hallway.

"I think I'm hallucinating Upchuck...I don't want to think of the implications of that." this got Charles  
attention.

"Whhhy hello Jane, wh...what are you doing here, exactly?"

"What are YOU doing here Upchuck?"

"Well...there was an incident..and.." Jane seized the moment to snark.

"Charles, you're supposed to put the roofies in the OTHER persons drink, not chug them yourself."

Charles froze. "No no no, nothing like that...I uh...hallucinated...someone.. running around town in their  
underwear, and Doctor Millipieds thought I might be using drugs...so he sent here to get checked. My tests were  
clean, so I'm on my very merry way."

Jane blushed. "Huh, you saw that eyy? I wasn't even trying to get you incarcerated that time."

"Feisty!" Upchuck snorted as he walked out.

It wasn't until he had gotten a taxi the implications of what Jane said hit him.

"Wait...saw that...saw what...wait...SHE WAS ACTUALLY IN HER UNDERWEAR!?"

Needless to say, the taxiguy couldn't help, but wonder who the hell he had picked up.

* * *

DAY 5

* * *

Jane had been expecting the Korean mad grinning doctor to show up, and was surpised to see a texan woman  
instead.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Mary, today is group meeting day, I'm here to take you to see the group."

"You seem nice...by this places standards." And Jane went peacefully.

When she walked into the room, it looked kinda like your classic AA meeting. People in a circle, sitting,  
some of them looked less twitchy then others, you know, the usual. Someone was finishing speaking...

"-and I think we can all aspire, to be more like him. Amen." everyone in the room clapped, as Jane sat down.

"Hello, My name is Gaz Price, and, It's been 4 weeks since I snorted any cocaine, of anykind. It's been a  
hard journey for me...every day is a struggle, but I'm feeling a little beter each day, and I hope I shall  
never have to do crack again." CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP.

"I am Viktor Kravchenko, and I haven't drank a bottle of anything since the spring equinox. I am very proud of  
myself, and soon I shall be a productive member of society once more, and hopefully continue to help others in  
need, amen." CLAPCLAPCLAP.

"Hello, My name is Jane Lane. I haven't done any drugs outside of the occasional wine tasting. I don't know  
why I tripped out, sleep deprevation, someone drugging me, I'm not sure. But what I am sure of, is I don't  
belong here, I am NOT one of you, I am a normal, functioning person, and I-" By this point the korean man had  
appeared to remove Jane from the room as she continued "will not stand for this mistreatment. And neither  
should you ,RISE, RISE UP AGAINST THE SYSTEM THAT HAS FAILED YOU!"

Jane wasn't allowed to leave her room the rest of the night.

* * *

DAY 6

* * *

It was the wee hours of the morning, roughly 3-AM, Jane wasn't asleep, as the thoughts of what Daria and Trent  
were doing without her kept her up, along with a brief hallucination of Daria coming in through the window  
under the glow of the moon to save her. Which was even crazier then it sounded, considering she didn't have a  
window.

Then, she could swear she heard a voice outside. It was a ways away, but as Jane listened, she could make it  
out.

"-no, I wouldn't negotiate, I charge a fixed rate, 3K per person. ... No, I don't care, 3K or she goes free."

Jane finally realized who was talking, It was the Korean Doctor. But what was he talking about.

"Don't make me raise my rate Angela! ...Yes, she's secure. ...No, nobody saw me with Vlad.  
Buisness as usual. ... I'll send that little twat to Timber towmorrow morning, you'll never hear from  
her again. ...No, not THIS morning, NEXT morning. ...Yes I know. ... Goodbye."

BOOP.

"God that woman gets on my nerves sometimes." And with that, he walked off, leaving Jane to contemplate what  
exactly was said.

* * *

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN HARRISBURG

* * *

"Thank god I'm clean. I'm never drinking again"

After his little drunken incident on Tuesday, Trent had gone to a clinic to get checked for STDs(STIs?)  
Thankfully, he was clean for everything(well, except for a lil oral herpes, but who dosen't have that) and  
after 2 whole days was allowed to go home to Lawndale with a clean bill of health.

Now, it was Thurdays, which meant Jesse was back.

"Time to save Janey!"

* * *

It was the early morning, Jane had just received her breakfast, but she was keeping a close eye on the grinning  
doctor.

He was doing paperwork.

Jane was just starting to lose hope when someone came on his intercom.

"Doctor Saem, you're needed in the hub. We just picked up two young adults, they are laughing incessantly and  
appear to have long term facial damage, suspected druggies, we need your help getting them in."

The Doctor groaned, looked back and forth, and promptly left the room. Jane had her chance.

"Hey, Alan?" Jane asked the man next to her, who she had meet prior during group day.

"Yeah?"

"What does it mean to be 'Sent to Timber?'" After asking that Alan seemed shocked for a moment then realization  
filled his face.

"Oh, right, forgot you were new here. Some of the people we get here are real crazies, psychotics, smoked so  
much meth they can't remember what color the sky is, you get? When those guys don't respond to treatment, they  
send em to a mental hospital northeast of here in Timberhills. I'm not exactly sure, but I hear they do brain  
chemistry adjustment procedures there, real experimental 't worry, you seem like one of the good ones."

But Jane was worried. Deeply worried. Her face was completely frozen in fear.

"Uh...Jane? You okay? Jane?"

"I've got to fucking get out of this hellhole."

"What do you-" But the doctor had reentered the room, and Alan was wise enough to keep his mouth shut.

* * *

"Alright Spiral, we need to save Jane, and after 2 days of nonstop drinki-I mean thinking, nonstop thinking,  
I have a plan!"

Trent had gathered the whole of Mystik Spiral to organize a team to save Jane from the compound. Buuuuuuut...

"Uh, save Jane from what?"

"You've been drinking?"

"You've been thinking?" Trent cut the lot off before they could continue questioning Trents state of mind.

"Now guys, settle down a bit. Jane was drugged and framed by my vindictive ex principal and is being held  
against her will in a prison of a rehab centre located in Elizabethtown. We need to launch an effort to save  
her."

"Wow...you've really thought this one through...uhh, I was promised Pizza!"

Trent may have stretched the truth a bit when inviting them over...something about practice, and free pizza,  
and an ice cream truck, and a bunch of prostitutes. You know, slight exaggeration, but it draws young adults  
like a moth to a flame.

"Fine, fine, we get pizza, THEN we save Janey!"

"AWESOME!"

* * *

It was late at night. Jane had spent most of the day attempting to find an opportunity to make her great escape  
but unfortunately, the moment had not yet presented itself. Jane was getting desperate, she wasn't going to  
let them get her brain like a bunch of clinical zombies.

She lie in bed, thinking to herself. What would she do if she didn't escape? Would she ever see Daria again?  
Would she even BE her, when they were through with her? What would Daria do without her? What about Trent? Wha-

Wait...that orderlie looks familar...It couldn't be...

"Reg?" The man turned over, suprised to hear his voice. It WAS Reginald!

"Who the...wait...Jane? Jane Lane? Miss 'I'm getting in that club no matter what'? What are you doing here?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing Reg." Reg got a frown on his face.

"After your little trip n slip, I my boss apparently thought it was my fault for letting you in...despite the  
fact I was following HIS orders, little bastard...not to mention...I guess they thought Anguiss was doing a  
better job then me, and he dosen't even speak english...so.."

"No, you did a damn fine job...although I would have prefered to get in easier." Reg chuckled.

"Hehe, yeah, sorry about that...anyway, how did you get here Jane? Drinking problem? Drugs?"

"No, someone drugged me and my principal saw it as a chance to get rid of me. The thugs she hired to do it  
seemed to know it was all BS anyway. You gotta get me out of here Reg!"

Reginald hesitated for a moment. "Look Jane...I know your probably being honest...and that means alot,  
considering the lengths you went to get in to The Salted Wound, but I honestly believe you...but..I just got  
this job...I need the money...and I don't want this going on my record...It wouldn't help with Job prospects."

Jane thought deep and hard...this was her one chance...she wasn't going to lose it. Jane took a deep breathe.

"You know...you're right Reg. This could cost you..your job, maybe more. But I want you to think about this.  
They're going to send me to Timber towmorrow...I could be, mentally, DES-TROYED, for something I didn't do.  
Do you honestly want that? Me, an innoce-mostly innocent person, being destroyed...because you didn't act?"

Reg sighed...Jane was right. "...I'm on laundry duty towmorrow morning...make sure EVERYTHING important  
is in a nice BIG PILE, on the floor, so I can PICK it UP and take it OUT, okay?"

Jane smiled, her salvation was at hand. "Yes, I understand Reg. I understand completely.

* * *

Trent and the Spirals had gone to the local pizza joint to grab a pie for the road, and to discuss plans.

"Ok, so Jesse, you take out the guards, Nicky, you come with me to get Jane, Max, you drive the tank, be ready  
for a getaway. Everyone clear?"

They all looked at each other. Jesse spoke first, "Uh, Trent, I know you really got to save your sister and all  
but, couldn't we get in trouble for all this? Like, bad trouble, I mean..."

Max chipped in "Yeah, besides, even if we get her out, won't they come looking for her...or maybe-"

Suddenly, another voice spoke. "Gentlemen, I couldn't help, but overhear your predictement. I believe I can be  
of some assistance."

Trent was surprised. "Uh, who the hell are you?"

The girl smiled. "A friend of Janes. And I have a friend who can help you out."

Trent thought for a moment...he needed to help Jane at all costs.

"Okay...what do you got?"

And Dani told them. Oh boy did she.

* * *

DAY 7

* * *

At exactly 11 minutes and 32 seconds before the 5 oclock wakeup, Reginald came around, and picked up the  
'laundry.'

Walking the laundry cart to the chute rather nerviously, he poured the laundry down.

"Good luck Jane."

As it turns out, the ride down the Laundry chute was rather bumpy, even with 15 pounds of underwear cushioning  
the blow.

As the laundry reached the bin, Jane tumbled out, and slowly climbed out the side, brushing the bras off her  
face. "Upchuck would kill to have a pile of panties this big all to himself."

After climbing out, Jane slowly crept about, looking for an exit.

* * *

"Hey Ted."

Ted looked up from his pizza, to see Dani next to him.

"Lets cut the crap, I need you to hack into the BP Rehab centre's database."  
Ted was shocked. "Cut the...hack the...Dani, I can't do this, that would be morally un-"  
"I'll give you my Neopet."  
"Well I can't-"  
"And my vintage coins."  
"But I-"  
"Ok, fine, the holographic Charizard!"  
Ted thought for a moment.

"Consider it done."

* * *

Jane had managed to find a secondary exit.

It was locked, but thankfully a Janitor came by, who used his key so he could smoke out back.

The second he turned the corner, Jane sprinted forward, barely catching the door in time, and dashing off the  
property as fast as her legs could carry her.

The Janitor, who was smoking for the 3rd time that morning, turned to see Jane running off. He pulled out his  
walkie talkie, calling the first person he could find.

"Saem, we got a situation, one of the druggies has escaped."

A few seconds later, the alarm went off.

* * *

A FEW DOZEN YARDS AWAY

* * *

Trent and the Spirals were just outside the compound. Trent had just explained the plan for the 6th time.

"-NO, YOU DRIVE, I'M GONNA BUST IN THERE AND LIBERATE JANE!"

"What do I do?"

"YOU COME WITH ME! JEEZ, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE IN A BAND WITH A BUNCH OF MORONS!"

"WELL MAYBE I OUGHT TO-"

"Uhh, guys, hate to interupt, but, isn't that Jane running in those bushes over there?"

"SHUT YOUR FUCKIN-...WAIT WHAT?" Trent turned around, to see Jane was indeed sneaking through the bushes

"HONK THE FUCKING HORN MAX!"

* * *

Jane, ran. Oh boy did she. She ran like there was no towmorrow(and if she was caught, there may not be)

She wasn't sure where she could go...Home was miles away...she'd probably have to hitchhike to-

HONK, HONK, HONK!

Oh God, they had found her already, Jane started to run when..

"GET IN THE FUCKING TANK JANEY!"

..."Trent?"

Oh my god...IT WAS TRENT, SALVATION! Jane quickly jumped in the back!

"GO GO GO, THEY'RE AFTER ME NOW!" Trent didn't need to be told twice, as he turned left to drive down the  
main road.

"Trent, I'm so glad to see you...why are you here?"

"I came to bust you out...seems my little sis had it handled though."

"Thanks to you, I'm actually going to make it home." Trent smiled at this. "Now drive, we got to get out of  
town before they start searching vehicles, they already sounded the alarm, It's not like theres a Jane  
lookalike to distract them, this isn't a cartoon!"

* * *

Janet Vincent McCoppin didn't like Elizabethtown. It was boring, there was practiclly no nightlife to speak off,  
besides the local sports bar the town was desolate.

"Jeez, I got a better night life from the Harris suburbs then from this dump."

Suddenly, several men jumped out of a whitevan, ambushing her. Needless to say, Janet was surpised.

"Whatever It is, I didn't do it."

A large asian man in a whitecoat stepped out. "Well, you thought you could escape us, ai Jane Lane? Well you  
were wrong. NOBODY ESCAPES ME!"

Janet was confused. "What the hell are you talking about, I'm not Jane La-...wait...Jane Lane?" Suddenly,  
Janet remembered an incident a few weeks prior, where a bouncer in Lawndale had mistaken her for Jane Lane,and  
only realized his mistake when the real Jane Lane showed up.

"Oh shit...there's a mistake, you see, my name is Janet McCoppin, I just happen to look like her, I'm not...  
wait, what are you doing, HEY, LET ME GO, I HAVE RIGHTS, LET, ME GO, ARGH!" Despite her insistence, Saem was  
not going to listen. As she was thrown in the back of the van, Janet had only one thought.

"Shit...heh, wonder what Grandpa Dean's gonna think when he hears this story?"

* * *

As they drove through Middleton, Janes heart finally calmed down. She was safe. She was gonna make it home.

"Trent...Thanks...really, thanks for bailing me out. That could have ended really badly."

"No problem...anything for my little sis...Li's gonna pay for this."

"Oh, I'll make sure of that Trent."

Trent looked at Jane sheepishly... "Uh, Jane, theres a...something I should tell you... I uh, had to skip a  
gig or two to plan this out...and I...kinda blew our rent money on the plan...and alcohol...I didn't take  
you leaving well."

Jane understood what this mean't. "So...if we don't get money, we live on the street?"

Trent nodded sadly.

Jane was deep in thought. "And Daria...is she back in town yet."

"Not according to her sister." Jane turned to Trent.

"Well then, guess It's time to bring home the bread...I'm gonna have to get a Job.

* * *

THE END

* * *

 **I hope you guys liked this one, I tried to take a different direction, as I challenged myself to write a fully**  
 **original one, no basis from Spongebob or anything else.**

 **Leave a nice detailed review if you can, an overview of what you liked and disliked, favourite moments, etc.**  
 **The next one should be a bit more standard and comedy driven.**


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